My Favorite Memes

To be fair, radiation is dangerous...

I want to be friends with this person.

Bread is love. Bread is life.

Yep

Goals

Inevitable Sting of Death

The inevitable sting of death...but I think I hate this question even more...

Buffalo Bill, is that you?

Put the lotion on the skin...

Are you sure you're making pizza and not an actual pile of garbage?

Have you ever been stabbed in the back by a dog? No...

Dogs don't have bad intentions.

You never know with humans...

Some serious stuff today. I'm getting over pink eye so I'm still not my sarcastic self...

Need A Little Picasso For A Day...

How do you plan out such an elaborate backstory and not think something like this was going to happen? Poor Little Picasso...

The Tears Of My Enemies...

Your what what is what? I don't know...put it back in and hope for the best...

Jars filled with the tears of my enemies...and skittles

Why don't you know how biology works? 

Yes, that is exactly why. Also, Asians are smarter because of the banana breastmilk...

Were you formula fed chocolate milk or dropped on your head? Because I don't know of another way to explain this ignorance...

Baby wigs are all the rage! This attempt at a joke was not though. Being born is a difficult process and it is not made any easier by the fact this baby has you for a parent...

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This was not my best work...

Femme Fatalities

A Detective Mars Mystery

            -It was a cold December night when Xavier Mars discovered the body of a young college girl. He had a lit cigar in his mouth as he investigated the crime scene. It looked like a random act of violence, but he would soon find out that this was part of a series. Nearby was the young woman’s vehicle, a red Ford Taurus with the driver door open. It appeared as though this unfortunate woman was dragged from her vehicle. The blood that was at the scene proved that she was indeed dragged.

            Detective Mars was investigating the scene with his partner Rodney Miller. A string of smoke from Xavier’s cigar filled the air. He looked inside the car and discovered the identity of the young woman. She was 20 year old Susan Johnston, a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed aspiring model. Her life was cut short before she could fulfill her dream however.

            Detective Mars was wearing a blue suit and a long black trench coat to guard him from the cold night air. His blue eyes bloodshot from the endless hours of police work, with five o’clock stubble on his face, his brown hair growing long because he didn’t have the time to cut it. Rodney Miller then handed Xavier a hot cup of coffee, indicating they had a long night ahead of them.

            The morgue collected the unfortunate victim’s body. Forensics would later confirm that the woman was dragged from her car, raped, and then stabbed 28 times. The team collected seminal fluid from the attacker as possible DNA evidence. Xavier Mars was at his desk, smoking his cigar and drinking his coffee while he filled out paperwork on the Johnston case.

            Xavier Mars had to call the family of Susan to inform them of the terrible news. This was the part of the job Xavier most hated. It was never easy telling parents that their young daughter was murdered. The parents had to identify the body, arriving at the morgue to confirm that it was indeed their little girl.

            Mrs. Johnston fell into the arms of her middle aged husband and broke down into tears as the morgue covered the face of Susan. Xavier had to remain professional, which was not easy. He always thought about his little girls Gracie and Rachel every time he saw the dead body of a young girl. Mr. and Mrs. Johnston were questioned for hours about their daughter. Xavier wanted to know if she had any possible enemies.

            Mr. Johnston said that she didn’t. Everyone whoever knew Susan had good things to say about her. Was this a random act of violence, or was Susan Johnston targeted? It was still a mystery to Detective Mars.

            Susan Johnston grew up in the suburbs of Helen City. She excelled in school and was a gymnast. Her biggest dream was to be a model and actress. In her junior year of high school, Susan even joined the drama club, where she excelled in acting, so much so, that agents were already flocking to her.

            Mars couldn’t find anyone that hated or had a vendetta against Susan. It was confirmed that she was well-liked, and had a bubbly personality. Mars had a hunch, however, that she was being stalked for weeks prior to her death. Eye witnesses corroborated his hunch.

            It seemed like everywhere Susan went a man in a black hoodie was 10 feet behind. Susan was paranoid about the man, and a week before her death, she confided in her friends that the strange man was following her. She was never able to make out his face however. She described him as wearing a black hoodie, blue jeans and white sneakers. He was of an average build and around 5’10 in height. He always watched her from afar with his hands placed in his pockets.

            It seemed as if every time Susan turned around, she saw the man standing 10 feet behind her, never saying a word and never moving from his spot. Susan, unfortunately, was too afraid to report him to the police, which would be her fatal mistake.

            On the night of the murder, Susan was in the parking lot where her car was found, eating a chicken sandwich in the driver’s seat. Her window was open, and that was when the man stabbed her in the chest, opened the car door, and dragged her from the seat where he proceeded to rape her, then stabbed her 27 more times till she was finally dead. It was only till the next night when the authorities found her dead on the side of the road. The man left his DNA at the scene. Witnesses said they saw a man in a black hoodie running out of the woods, but weren’t able to make out his face.

            Forensic evidence wasn’t able to determine who was the culprit behind this horrific murder. Whoever it was wasn’t in the criminal database. This was a feeling Xavier knew all too well. They had a killer terrorizing the streets of Helen, who would most likely kill again. Xavier questioned everyone he could find as a possible suspect, but they all cleared out. The trail was running cold.

            Xavier spent many late hours working on the case. He was still no closer to finding Susan Johnston’s killer. The bloodshot eyes, sleepless nights, and investigating at late hours was taking its toll on him. Xavier refused to give up. Then, only a few weeks later, another body was discovered.

            16 year old Heather Jameson was found by the train tracks. She was stripped naked, raped, and strangled to death. It appeared that she was taking a short cut through the woods to go to school, but never made it. The way the girl was killed didn’t appear to be Susan’s killer. The strangulation didn’t fit his M.O. but later DNA analysis would prove that it was indeed the same killer. He must have wanted to try something new. The Helen City Police Department was now dealing with a serial killer.

            Heather Jameson was another star pupil in Helen City. Her teachers said she was a joy to teach, and she had many friends. She was a brunette with blue eyes and wore braces. She was considered a nerd by some students and loved to read. Xavier knew he had to remain professional on the scene, but once he was back at his office, he punched a filing cabinet when no one was looking. Seeing a child’s life like Heather’s snuffed out so cruelly angered the senior detective.

            Eye witnesses said they saw a man in a black hoodie, scouting out Heather weeks prior to her death. Heather didn’t seem to notice him, though her friends did. They made the mistake of not telling her. That mistake cost Heather Jameson her life. After telling Heather’s parents that they found her body, weeks later the grief-stricken mother committed suicide. The thought of losing her daughter was a cross she just couldn’t bear.

            Next on the growing list of homicides was 17 year old Sara Jenson. There seemed to be a connection between all the murders. Each victim was a bright and beautiful student. Jensen was an honors student and was accepted into many Ivy League schools. Her aspirations were cut short, unfortunately. The body of the blonde haired, blue eyed beauty was found naked in a wooded area of Helen, raped and beat to death. The DNA found at the crime scene proved she was murdered by the same man as the previous cases.

            Several witnesses confirmed they saw a black hooded man leaving the scene of the crime. Due to the rising number of casualties, Detective Mars started a task force, with the sole mission of finding the man in the black hood. It was now 6 months after the first murder, with the body count rising, when Xavier now brought in 3 suspects for questioning.

            2 of the men were cleared of all connection to the crimes, but Xavier was able to get a warrant for the 3^rd suspect’s DNA, and it matched that of the DNA found at the crime scenes. The man was formally charged with 3 counts of murder and arrested that very day.

            The suspect was 20 year old Ricardo Fernandez. He stood 5’10 as was confirmed by the eye witnesses, had several black hoodies in his closet, and lived close to the location where the bodies of the young girls were found. He was a drop out and a gang member. Also, the knife used to murder Susan Johnston was found in Fernandez’s mobile home. It took everything within Detective Mars not to beat Fernandez to death.

            Ricardo Fernandez stood trial and pleaded not guilty, even with all the damning evidence against him. Because of the severity of his crimes, Fernandez was sentenced to death. It would be 8 years till he was finally executed in the Helen City State Penitentiary by lethal injection. Xavier Mars received commendations from his hard work on the case. His sleepless hours of investigation paid off. He could now rest, but his career was far from over…

The Helen City Slayer

A Detective Mars Mystery

            -It was a cold winter night in the city of Helen. There was a string of unsolved murders plaguing the crime infested city. Detective Xavier Mars was busy looking over case files seated at his desk in his leather desk chair. A lit cigar was in his mouth, lit with a matchstick. He could feel the cold air from the opened window. The weather as cold as the cases he was looking over.

            Who was going out and committing these atrocious murders was still a mystery for the men in blue in the Homicide Division of the Helen City Police Department. It was 6 long months of investigation and the police were no closer to apprehending the fugitive.

            It all started 6 months back. Detective Xavier Mars was at the prime of his policing career. It was a warm spring night when he was called into work to work on a new case. The dead body of a young girl was found, and the police chief chose Mars to lead the case. The young girl was identified as 12 year old Amy Jones. She was tortured, raped and murdered.

            Xavier started off by putting the DNA evidence into the criminal database on his computer to find a match. His search, however, was inconclusive. Whoever committed this heinous act had no previous criminal record. There was no one to match the DNA to. The forensics team held onto the DNA evidence just in case the suspect was ever apprehended.

            Xavier worked night and day, questioning any possible suspect and any possible witness. The answers between witnesses varied. Some say they saw a red truck. Some say they saw a man walking up to the little girl. Some said it wasn’t a red truck but a blue Dodge. With all the conflicting stories, Xavier was no closer to possible leads.

            Due to the working night and day on the case, Xavier didn’t see much of his family. It was also putting a strain on his marriage. Mrs. Jillian Mars got the cold shoulder night and day from her husband, but she knew how he was when it came to working on cases. His 2 little girls were feeling neglected by their father, but they knew he loved them dearly.

            On many nights, Xavier would bring his work home with him and sit at his home office desk, searching his computer and files while he investigated. He was very meticulous in his work. Xavier was a star detective for the HCPD, but this case proved to be one of his more difficult ones. Would Amy Jones ever have justice?

            Amy wouldn’t be the only one in need of justice, however. She was only the first in a string of brutal murders. A 9 year old girl was abducted from a local grocery store while her mom was getting groceries from a different aisle. When the mother wasn’t looking, a man grabbed the little girl and ran out the front door. The camera wasn’t able to get a good image of the suspect. He was wearing all black, with a hood covering his head.

            The little girl was taken to a wooded area where she was raped, tortured, sodomized with a screwdriver and finally murdered. The little girl was strangled to death with her own shirt and a crowbar used as a tourniquet. The news media was now calling the criminal the Helen City Slayer. The little girl was later identified as 9-year-old Cassidy Black. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and was an honors student. She was popular with her teachers and fellow students alike.

            Every time there was a new, even younger victim on the news, Xavier would get sick to his stomach. He wanted to catch the monster that was raping and killing little girls. He was no closer to catching him, however, and the case was getting cold. Xavier refused to relent and stayed on the case, even though he worked other cases as well.

            Bodies of young women and little girls kept popping up. They were all tortured, raped and strangled to death in similar fashion. The DNA on each victim matched 1 person, but still no results in the criminal database. Whoever was getting away with these crimes were always one step ahead of the law. Xavier refused to give up, even though it was becoming a problem for his wife. She decided to separate for a little while till Xavier was able to solve the case, taking the 2 little girls with her. Xavier obliged, though it left him depressed.

            Xavier looked over the grocery store surveillance video religiously, trying to learn more about the man that abducted the little girl. From the video, he could tell the man was over 6 feet tall, a skinny and lanky build. Unfortunately, that were the only clues he could find in the video. Xavier had a lit cigar in his mouth as he looked for anything else that could be of value on the video. It was to no avail.

            While Xavier was working, the murderer struck once again. 8 year old Lindsay Myers was walking home from church services when she was stopped in her tracks by a man in all black, threatening the young girl with a knife. She had no choice but to follow him to his vehicle. Witnesses saw the man drive off with the girl in a blue Dodge, but weren’t able to identify the man because he was wearing a black ski mask.

            The monster drove with Lindsay to a dark alley where he proceeded to torture, rape, sodomize and strangle her to death. He then left her body in the alley for authorities to later find. Eye witnesses saw a blue Dodge pull out of the back alley at the time of the girl’s murder. They were quick to call the police.

            Forensic evidence proved this was the same man that raped and murdered the other little girls, but they still had no matches in the criminal database. The killer was getting more careless, however, and now authorities were looking for a blue Dodge. The killer was also now killing in broad daylight, with witnesses around.

            Xavier Mars searched the internet for blue Dodge cars that were registered to citizens of Helen City. He found nearly 20 matches, 3 being possible suspects in the murders. The first 2 men that Xavier questioned were found innocent, and all of his faith relied on the third suspect. If he was wrong in his hunch, he knew that the killer would walk free to kill more little girls.

            The man in question was 28 year old Daryl Matthews. Xavier offered him a cup of coffee as he questioned him. Daryl drank the coffee and told the officer he didn’t know anything about the murders. He also claimed to hate pedophiles. Xavier wasn’t buying it. Daryl Matthews matched the description of the killer, and police had obtained a warrant to search his vehicle, where they found damning evidence.

            Police found in his blue Dodge black clothing, a ski mask, and what appeared to be a rape and murder kit. Also, Xavier gave Daryl Matthews a cup of coffee to drink for a reason. He wanted his DNA. After questioning Daryl Matthews, Xavier took the DNA evidence to the forensics team where they later confirmed that the DNA matched the killer’s. With all the damning evidence against him, Daryl Matthews was formally arrested. He later confessed to all the murders, and even to murders that weren’t at first linked to him.

            The Helen City Slayer pleaded guilty at his trial. If he thought the guilty plea would save him from a more serious conviction, he was sorely mistaken. Daryl Matthews was sentenced to death. Xavier Mars was victorious in his mission and was called a hero by many. Now the little girls that lost their lives finally had justice. The Helen City Slayer would never walk the streets again.

            As Xavier closed his case, his family moved back in. They congratulated him on his victory as he and his wife embraced. It was a long and grueling case, but it was finally over. Xavier and Jillian celebrated with a bottle of red wine…

The Butchers of the Back Streets

            -Helen was a city in the midlands of South Carolina. It was known for its tall buildings, busy streets, and its high crime rate. The streets were full of pimps, hustlers, prostitutes and local gangsters. On one dark night in the city, a crime wave beyond anything before was about to take Helen by storm.

            Gerald Morgan and Tom Philips were born in the city of Helen and went to the same schools as young children. It was around the 5^th grade when Gerald and Tom took a twisted turn in life. Early in the school year, Gerald and Thomas plotted to set the school on fire. Luckily, they were caught red handed and sent to Juvenile Detention, but this wouldn’t be the end of their criminal history. It was only just the beginning.

            One night, Gerald asked Tom if he wanted to see a dead body he found on the side of the train tracks in a wooded area of Helen City. Tom excitedly obliged. When the 2 boys saw the dead body, a sick and twisted conversation started. They wondered what it would be like to kill someone themselves. At the time it was just conversation, but they would revisit the idea in the future.

            The 2 boys were now juniors in Helen City High School and were known troublemakers. They had many run-ins with the law, but they weaseled their ways out of any serious trouble. They would also wait in the school bathroom to beat up unsuspecting students and rob them. The victims were too afraid to tell their teachers what happened.

            It was now June 2^nd, 1987 and the boys were now men in their early twenties. They reminisced about the good old days and all the crimes they gotten away with. They then remembered the conversation they had long ago. They wanted to kill for themselves. All the animals they tortured throughout their lives were just the beginning of fulfilling something much worse.

            It was midnight when the 2 men put their plan into action. Gerald was driving his beat-up white Cadillac with Tom in the passenger seat, cruising for a prostitute. They saw the perfect one standing by a streetlight. She was a 14 year old runaway who became a prostitute to pay her way through life. Her name was Abigail Somers. She was a tall brunette with blue eyes, wearing a short skirt and a leopard print jacket. She had on long stockings and black high heels. Her hair was in a perm. Unfortunately for Abigail, she would be the first victim.

            The 2 men pulled up beside her and coaxed her into the vehicle. They then drove into an empty back alley full of trash and debris where they had sex with the young prostitute. Sadly for Abigail, the 2 men weren’t going to pay her. After Gerald and Tom had their fun, Gerald pulled out a butcher knife and stabbed Abigail multiple times in the chest. She let out horrific screams until she was finally dead. The two men then dumped her in the alley and drove off. 6 weeks later, the cops found her badly decomposing corpse.

            During those 6 weeks, Gerald and Tom continued their murder spree. 1 night after serious drinking and snorting cocaine, the deadly duo was ready to kill again. This time, they wanted someone more of a challenge than a prostitute. They decided to break into the house of a young college student, where they abducted her and drove her to a back alley. Here, the two tortured and raped the woman multiple times till finally stabbing her in the chest over 20 times. The horrific screams were heard by several witnesses who spotted the white Cadillac driving out of a back alley.

            Like their previous victim, the woman was tossed in the back alley for the authorities to find. They later identified the victim as 21 year old Suzanne Mathers. She was a sophomore in Helen City University, strikingly beautiful, and had her whole life ahead of her. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, was tall with an athletic build. She was also the daughter of a police officer; a man that vowed revenge on whoever killed his daughter.

            A week after the brutal rape and murder of Suzanne Mathers, Gerald and Thomas were ready to kill again after a long night of cocaine and alcohol use. It was the next afternoon when Thomas spotted a pretty young high school girl who he wanted as the pair’s next victim.

            As the young girl was walking home from school, the duo abducted her from the side of the road and drove into a dark alley. This is where they had their way with the young girl. They tortured, raped and stabbed the girl in the chest over 40 times before finally dumping her out of the car and driving off.

            The duo didn’t expect that there were witnesses who saw the two abduct the girl in broad daylight. The witnesses told the police of the white Cadillac and the two men that abducted the girl. They gave descriptions that matched the identities of Gerald Morgan and Tom Philips.

            The young girl was later identified as Elaine Simpson, aged 15 years old. She was a sophomore in Helen City High School, had blonde hair tied in pigtails and green eyes. She was the daughter of the Helen City Mayor. The authorities now knew they had 2 serial killers on their hands and formed a task force to search and find the white Cadillac with the 2 suspects.

            As the duo was trolling the city streets for their next victim, they were immediately stopped by the police. The cops searched the vehicle and found bloodstains on the back seat and a murder weapon in the trunk. It was a butcher knife stained with blood. The police knew that they had found their killers.

            Gerald Morgan and Thomas Philips were both arrested and sent to the county jail. They interrogated Gerald Morgan for hours, but he wouldn’t break. Thomas Philips on the other hand was ready to talk.

            Thomas confessed to the murders, but tried to convince the police that Gerald was the one that actually killed the women. He also admitted to more victims than the 3 already tied to them. For 6 weeks, the 2 men went on a massive killing spree, killing at least 3 girls a night. The police didn’t know whether to believe Thomas’ story, but 3 of the victims were confirmed to be killed by the duo.

            A month later, the 2 men were on trial for the murders of the 3 women. Both men pleaded not guilty to the murders. It was a long and grueling trial for both men, but the jury reached the only logical verdict. Gerald Morgan and Thomas Philips were both charged with 3 counts of First Degree Murder and sentenced to death. The chaos was finally over. The Butchers of the Back Streets, as the media called them, were locked away for the rest of their lives.

            Gerald Morgan was on death row for nearly 2 decades when he was finally put to death by lethal injection. Thomas Philips didn’t even serve a full year when he decided to kill himself in his prison cell. The case was now put to rest…